one lessons too many?

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Poooff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4



An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the stories:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.


(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

one colour, and are you colour blind?

This Nazri chap wrote an article in our former colonial master’s newspaper appropriately called “The Guardian” which you can read here at

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/16/malaysia-race

He is in the opinion that in my bolehland, a promise to continue a race-based affirmative action policy will only entrench racism.

With apologies, I really must correct the misconceptions and opinions he has put forth…only slightly of course. Because I’m upset, again only slightly, that this Nazry writer who is now no longer in his motherland is not unlike a dog who is biting the hand that has fed him.

THIS is what he wrote, with a little help from me to tone down his rantings:

After South Africa and Rwanda’s heroic experiences, it might be expected that every country would want its citizens to be governed racially. But Malaysia considers itself an exception. Therefore, in the United States of Malaise, because it is such a fair country who listens attentively to the native people’s demands (66% of them) its leaders will give race-based policies a renewed stamp of approval.

Last month, prime minister Nah Raise vowed to continue a popular affirmative action policy that favours the nation’s Natives (the original, 0ne hundred per cent natives who make up for slightly more than half of its population – 66% to be exact) over the Chinese and Indian minorities (who landed earlier but never mind, they are not classified as natives and, most importantly, they don’t eat Boom Mee) who account for about 26% and 8% respectively.

The New Economic Policy (NEP), which will now be re-named the No End Policy, as this racialised national programme is known, was introduced nearly four decades back to raise the Natives’ share of the nation’s wealth from a meagre 1.5% to a more equitable 30% and create a Native middle class. To this end, the government imposed racial quotas in such spheres as education and business.

The quotas resulted in civil service scholarships being granted to Natives over more deserving minority candidates, and the same could be said of government jobs. Meanwhile, businesses must meet a minimum level of 30% ownership for Natives and other indigenous people. (This will soon be revised to 70%.)

While my motherland’s Chinese and Indian minorities were at first agreeable (the suckers!), the prolonged implementation of NEP-type policies has today left them feeling that it is only fair to give a generous hand-out to their fellow citizens, after-all it has worked wonderfully for over 50 years.

Many, especially the affluent Chinese, left the country (good riddance) to seek opportunities elsewhere. The largely working-class Indians were not as fortunate.

Ironically, a sizable segment of the Native population – from the middle and working classes – also began complaining about these policies on the grounds that they benefited only a select group of well-connected Natives which is a bunch of lies and rumours largely spread by ungrateful bloggers led by a fellow they call RPK. Some, like this Nazri writer chap must have left the country too.

Such discontent has led to the other suckers non-Natives registering their protest during last year’s general election by voting overwhelmingly for the opposition instead of the ruling coalition that comprises a hotchpotch of race-based parties headed by our Nah’s United Malaise National Organisation (UmNo).

Although we still won the polls, it took a severe hammering – losing our two-thirds parliamentary majority and the control of five states. But only temporarily, we will be...lying... laying new plans to deceive, I mean win the people in the next election. We already stole...won back one state legally.

Little wonder that UmNo which fashions itself as a party championing Native rights since its inception in 1946 has now decided to tone down (but only temporarily) its racial policies through a slew of reforms this year. Among others, it launched the “1Malaysia” concept (which is very different from the Malaysian Malaysia concept) to unite the nation’s racially-fractured citizens.

[Plan B: If they don't unite, we will force them to, but more of that later.]

The Crime Minister also announced that a merit-based scholarship open to all races will be introduced next year.

Or in 2011.

Or in 2012, when it’s nearer the elections.

While many analysts are quick to proclaim that UmNo is now a transformed political entity, evidence that it has moved past racialism is sparse. For one thing, the tenets of “1Malaysia” are still nebulous at this juncture.

[Note to self: round up all the "many" analysts for a cup of tea soonest; book 14th floor interview room.]

Yet the most telling sign could be gleaned from the rhetoric of its up-and-coming politician Khairy Jamaluddin who wants the party to discard its ideology of “Native dominance” for “Naive Native leadership”. Herein lies the crux of the problem. The pith of the “Native leadership” ideal is no different from “Native dominance” – Natives are to reign supreme over other races. In its basest form, “Malay leadership” resonates of the “Hutu Power” ideology in Rwanda and the white supremacist slant of South Africa’s apartheid where one race dominates over others.

[what no difference? we lead, the other suckers follow...earlier, we hold up butter knife, they all bow down]

Instead of eradicating the country’s decades-long racialism, its ruling elites look set to entrench it further into the system by making it subtle.


Subtle is effective. Apparently, this has been most successful as our Most Distinguished Honourable Crime Minister’s ratings have shot up. This has nothing to do with our Public Relations agency’s advice or strategies or propoganda.

The 20-million Ringgit retainer fee is also a wild rumour spread by pesky bloggers who have nothing better to do. Most of them are housewives who never listen to important Main Stream Media news that we spew and spin for them anyway, so they know absolutely nothing.

In fact they are all colour blind, whatever that means. There is only one colour – and it’s not…

*ring* ring*

Damn. Always he must call when I’m about to reveal the juiciest bit…

OK. Like I said: 1 colour rules. And I need another 100 years.

BTW, thanks a billion, suckers.

one tear, one gas

Guess what? This week, a lot of bloggers have made me slightly upset.

The first one was this gas bag of a lady who wrote that there is a better way of blowing off 89,000 dollars on tear gas.

From what she grumbled and made ungrateful noises, I have deduced that she has no idea whatsoever about what it takes to run a country, this beloved nation of mine. This United States of Malaise.

89,000 dollars is quite an amount I know. But it is pittance. Pittance I say. Why, a basic laptop already costs roughly 42,000 big ones you know.

Back to that tear gas incident, doesn’t she realise that I have to show who is in charge? Elementary, you know, it’s Political Science 101. Govern through fear. Wealth through greed. Porn via sex. But we will get to that later.

What is important is to do the math. And economics. You see, to keep the economics moving we have to keep it, well, moving. Let me simplify that, if you don’t spend, how are you going to buy more stuff to spend some more on? It’s like this, if you don’t have a war, how are you going to keep them weapon factories going? But we will get to that later.

What is even more important is *sigh* we must keep my, I mean our people gainfully employed. I don’t want my, I mean our overseas, I mean local tear gas producing factory grind to a stop, do I? It is just so morally wrong. In the bigger scheme of things, it is always legally right to keep people happy. I owe them that. Really.

Which brings me to this other block head. This steady fellow. He thinks there’s a conspiracy going. That we have reverted to our native language to teach Math and Science because we want to keep them, ah, mentally challenged. The true objective is to have them proficient in their mother tongue. And to protect them from communicating with bad, bad foreign people. To protect them from themselves.

Truth be told, I myself have sacrificed by sending my children overseas to be taught this useless language called “English”. My poor, poor children will then have to deal with these bad, bad foreign people. Unfortunately too, now that they know this evil language, they will have to govern those (yes, the fortunate native people) who are not so unfortunate as to learn this English. Yes, you do follow don’t you?

Better be ignorant and let us, that is my people, suffer. If I can count the tears I have shed, I and my cronies, I mean colonies, sorry coolies, oh whatever…you won’t want to be me: The One.

Sometimes, I (and soon my dynasty) have to leave my country, which is also yours, in name only of course. But more of that later.

Now where was I? Yes, travel. Very boring. Once a month, I even have to make an inconvenient detour to Switzerland to check on my…ummm, more of that later.

And then this mother of a blogger started complaining about that Peenut island’s second bridge. Who, I want to know, tell them those lies, lies, lies? One day when I get really upset, I’m going to ask some one to throw that fellow out of a window. Preferably very high up. Maybe like 14 stories up.

Oh, I have done that already.

Well, we will double it then. 28 stories.

Oh, oh I know. I will blow him up ~ starting with that wordsmith chick. Oh, I have done that already? I know, I’ll invite my darling wife to watch. Oh, I have done that already? Anyway, let’s move on to that Port Crank Free Zone…

*Ring* *Ring*

Excuse me a minute, a call from Mister Mad Hatter, my Kung Fool Si Fu.

Apparently, I have to…er…err…gee whizz, is that the time already? I have not even looked into the procurement of rubber bullets yet.

Until the next time, my beloved people and esteemed bloggers, that is until I get slightly upset again, I remain, yours sincerely: The One.

one joss stick, one big fat burning memory

I did try to forget all about it. About how violently I got converted to a different religion. So, I will not write about it. Too painful.

But I met this genius, sorry, precious yet sweet idiot, who nagged and nagged me to testify.

*sigh*

So, by a round-about way I shall reveal it. 178 posts and 9 pages to read.

HERE WAS MY FIRST SALVO: Unlike most of you folks I was not born into a Christian environment/culture. I was born into a Buddhist family in an Islamic country (Malaysia ~ we do have "freedom" of religion. But no churches and temples are allowed to be built after 1957, our independence from the British colonists). And I was baptised in the Holy Spirit very late in life (49 years old).


Truly I tell you, before then I would bolt when I so much as sniff an evangelizing machine heading my way.

After reading all your posts... well, interesting. And IMHO, I believe it's still much, much easier to be an atheist or agnostic or god-less.

Harder to tell true Christians from the fanatics, Mormons, Jehovah witnesses. Roman Catholics... ahhhh, still not sure about them. And so many denominations. What gives?

You can torture yourself by reading the rest here:

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?/topic/3938-easier-to-be-an-ex-c/

LAST PAGE:

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?/topic/3938-easier-to-be-an-ex-c/page__st__160

I did read the last page. Golly gee, October 2005 - that long ago!

Halleluyah really. I'm still walking my faith. Officially baptised (in 2006). And still yoked to Jesus.

So, really, this mws chick, kum siah, tanky you hah...for digging up all the worms.

stop pussy footing around . . . you pussy

To pussyfoot around the question or point means to be evasive, cautious, or conceal one’s opinions. The reference is to the careful soft tread of the cat and has no vulgar implications, other than obvious ties to weakness, which “pussy” sometimes connotes.

BUT before we get to that…

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, puss was used as a “call-name” for cats in both German and English, but pussy was used in English more as a synonym for “cat”: compare “pussycat”. In addition to cats, the word was also used for rabbits and hares as well as a humorous name for tigers. In the 19th century, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, the meaning was extended “in childish speech, applied to anything soft and furry”, as in Pussy Willow. In thieves’ slang, it meant “fur coat”.

AND now to the real deal…



some pussies: being honest
Genitalia
The word “pussy” often refers to the female genitalia. Used in conjunction with “some”, the phrase some pussy refers to sexual intercourse itself. Most dictionaries mark the anatomical meaning as “vulgar” or “offensive” and its use is frowned upon in polite company.

The German form is cognate (Fotze; compare “Puss-y” to “Fotz-e” [in the style of Futs-sy]), and the (vulgar) French term “chatte” (literally a female cat) is analogous.

Weakness
The meaning “weak or cowardly person” has a separate etymology. Websters 1913 Revised Unabridged Dictionary lists this version of pussy as an alternate spelling of “pursy”, an otherwise obsolete English word meaning “fat and short-breathed; fat, short, and thick; swelled with pampering …”The interpretation is often misconstrued, as it contains multiple meanings which some consider derogatory. In fact, when pussy appears in the earlier 1828 edition of the dictionary, this definition is presented for the word, while the older pursy is simply offered as a “corrupt orthography”.

Pursy (pronounced with a short u, and with the r slurred or silent) was in turn derived from an Old French word variously spelled pourcif, poulsif, poussif, meaning “to push, thrust, or heave”. In this sense, it is cognate with the modern French verb pousser, also meaning “to push”.

The word pussy can also be used in a derogatory sense to refer to a male who is not considered sufficiently masculine (see Gender role). When used in this sense, it carries the implication of being easily fatigued, weak or cowardly.

Men dominated by women (particularly their partners or spouses and at one time referred to as ‘Hen-pecked’) can be referred to as pussy-whipped (or simply whipped in slightly more polite society or media).

It is a well-known fact that Bolehland politicians are experts in pussy footing around while secretly banging pussies. This phenomenon has been going on for more than 50 years…because all the people who voted them in have been pussy-whipped until they are now wet pussies.


Unless. . .*dramatic music* *credit rolls up* catch the conclusion in 18 months’ time in the next General Election.

IF you cunt wait, you can get more pussy at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pussy

Or you want this?

think being a busy-body, I must share with you all! Look how good am I

spotted a hot copywriter lately?

My sifu, a very senior copywriter in a very international advertising agency, boasted to me that he had an ample choice of first-class English copywriters to choose from. He further bragged that it is because Dr. Mat had been so fore-sighted and this is the shining result.

It is also in the spirit of 1Malaysia. It is so glorious, tears are running down my face. Here then, for your reading pleasure, gentle reader, is an exemplary application letter:

Dear sir/madam,

Regarding on the matter above, I would like to emphasize myself towards writing and design as I have learnt and majored a Diploma in Advertising, Copywriting and Graphic Design Technology, from LimWhat’sThat* University Of Creative Technology. I have graduated this year Feb 2008 and worked in 3 companies as in the name of experience, and 3 years of working experience indeed.

Currently, I believe writing and design is the substantial structure for development in any sort of progressing career. My experience in copywriting and writing with graphic design in various fields of titles and subjects are to be pronounced my strength.

Besides skills and my grammatical supervision , I have gained knowledge in varieties of aspects and should determine my fluency when I communicate as a writer and designer in person.

Sincere to my imaginations and passion, ever since art and words were introduced in my dictionary, pages of it were remained still until today, shaping me for who I am. As for me my ability to see in words and arts lies and inducts diplomatic illusions of nature, thus today, words are our only source of communication, my only visionary of passion.

Here, my pal Marc T says: yea la… I was laughing so bad I nearly peed myself.

Yeah, writers pee on cue. But, let’s not waste time, we must continue with this aspiring copywriter’s humble achievements and capabilities:

Achievements I have made through out my college days and in work denotes the capability that I believe , there still holding to my philosophy. I have written and designed brochures for my 1st company on education and articles of my own , articles for magazines on the epitome of Art and Design, Scripts, Commercials, Organisations like The Rotary Clubs, Science and Technology.

In University, I have written story boards, advertisements, copywriting as the main base of my stand and designs. Introducing my own perceptions towards life and war, life and man kind and life under a roof.

With the 2nd company, I was mainly spotted designing art works and conceptual variations. I have proof read many of the copies before it was sent to the client. It was a practical task to be filled with determination and subjective reviews upon what was to come.

Marc T says: MCH**…. I nearly choked as I was reading this..nia ma… is this the standard of people that are coming out of Malaysian education institutions nowadays? I wanted to poke my eyes out…ermm… how do we term this ar?…illusions of grandeur ar?

so i says: no. . . just awesome england la. . .u no taste la u. . .

Marc T says: hahahaha please enlighten me after lunch great one…

I missed lunch to post this because it suddenly dawned on me. Niamah, now, I know why Miss P Khoo gave up her teaching career.

Can lose hair.

Can vomit blood.

But, not scared, I see it as a very positive development. Like this hor, I can still scratch a living, stringing a few words together until, until…ummm…at least 70…no 80…well, at least until these dudes improve their grammatical supervision skills and achieve their epitome under a proper roof.

Damn, this beats thinking about pussies.

*Name changed to protect identity

**Mah Cau Hai (my smelly pussy)

if your application letter like the one above, i hire you

one lady, one malaysia f one

Woo hoo. I mean, yeah baby.

THIS morning, found out, belatedly that Miss, i mean Lahtuk, Michelle Yeoh is now Mrs. Todt who is going to be the new President (the toad, not the lah-toad) of the Body governing F One ~ the international super duper one-seater car race. Well, they had secretly married last week already but today, only officially reported.

IF you go to this link, you can see that our ex-Bond girl’s second marriage, has upset (slightly) a few people:

http://www.yelp.com/topic/chicago-wtf-michelle-yeoh-s-married-to-this-ugly-f-ck

It could be because he looks like this:

hey, Michelle, nice branded hand bag u got there

BUT, what i really want to bitch about is F One. You see, Honda has already pulled out. Next year, Toyota and BMW will be missing. And Malaysia, through Lotus-Proton, is throwing in their errr.. expertise. An all-Malaysian team no less. And a promise of winning “some thing” within 3 years. Okay, they wanna win one race. What the fuck. When Renault and Ferrari pull out, sooner or later, what will a win mean? Oh OK u will beat the Brawn team, this year’s beeeg winner.

*feeble clap*

*yawn*

Over the last eight seasons, Toyota have scored three pole positions, three fastest laps, 13 podiums and 278.5 points, though never that elusive win. Hallo, it’s da frigging mighty Toyota. 8 years, no win. And Malaysia, on a Cosworth engine, aspires to win within 3. Boleh, boleh, boleh.

So, all is good, but lagi boleh, we have the first lady of F one married to a F face okaaaaaaaaaaay?

This is, of course, all in line with the spirit of one Malaysia.

So, what is my point? Uh…you need one? I don’t have wor.

So how?