ONE MEMO
To: Every one
From: One
Yeah baby. I mean, saudara, saudari, ah pek, ah moi, bangla, bangli, eurasian, eurasiani, lain lain and every one else still waiting to be officially classified, I sincerely would like to seek your idea(s) and suggestion(s).
Correct me if I'm wrong but there is only one place for you here in Malaysia, right? Really (if you disagree, I can invite you for tea to discuss your disagreement, really).
Apologies for my little outburst, but what you fooking Rakyat want lah? Didn't we sign one agreement before we got rid of them Brit masters?
Allow me to remind you: fortunately or unfortunately, how you get your one place depends on which golden pussy you pop out from. A bit crude I know, but why call a spade a spade? A shovel can also do its job. However, I digress.
Now where was I? Yes, if you saw your first light as a rural native. Congratulations. Nothing can be more wonderful. You will be the one majority. You will, from the day you were born, only need to learn and speak the one native language. And to help you live one long, happy life you need not leave where you so luckily crawled out from, you can just stay in your one enclosure. I mean your one comfy kampung. If you still want to leave, you can join the royal navy (see below for other possible careers). And also one time to perform the Haj of course. But there is no need to learn about the outside world or any other un-important language (but do try not to talk to strangers on the way to Mecca). So other than that little inconvenience of having to travel once in your life-time, you'll be fine.
Your urban native brothers, unlucky people like me, will take care of you for life. Yes, your one life which is so valued by me, us, yeah the one. Hey bro and that also means you sista, who needs to learn the wicked ways of the bad, bad world anyway? You know: unsavoury activities like family planning; avoiding incurable diseases; drinking funny yellow-coloured liquids that will get you high and generally how other people live or enjoy life. Yeah, unsavoury indeed.
You can be entertained by a fulfilling career instead. Here are some possible careers you are allowed to join: important and powerful role in royal police or army or navy or air force or fire brigade; education (strictly rural of course, choice of being a school or religious teacher); industrial (assembling cars or any other important bits and bobs needed to put Malaysia on the world map as a world-class export nation but you'll need to travel); farming and fishing.
Dear every one, a bit of insightful advice: do not...ever... get into politics. You will only get wealthy and powerful. Owning acres of land, living in gigantic palace-like homes, being driven every where in luxurious cars, partying every day, buying any toy you want and, even more inconvenient, people bending backwards and forwards trying to please your every little whim. Well, I tell you it can be terribly, terribly stressful. It makes you giddy with self importance. There's more: you even get to control, I mean own, I mean lead, a lot people, including rural natives. You see? Full of stress being a hero. But somebody has to do it so yeah, you precious people, especially the rural natives, although it's not easy for me: do not stop worshipping me.
Because.
Because, the one always gives back. After consulting with my other ones, I have allowed you to enjoy much, much more useful entertainment (unlike those stated above). But before I tell you what they are, let me share with you why you are not allowed this forbidden so-called pleasure. It is because if you become an urban native like me, the one and my other ones, you will have to do all the dirty work like taking care of every one.
That job is not for every one. Oh no. You will have to cheat, lie, and worst of all you will have to learn another language. This evil, highly useless language, which is now the most widely used one in the world, will open up your mind. You will learn about government systems; about other countries' success or why some fail; you will get to communicate with other people. You will acquire knowledge, *gulp* even critical thinking. Or form your own opinion. I think one has said enough.
One would like the rural native to be one minded and just stay in one place. But, here is the good news:
You will have many other more entertaining activities to pass the time while nation-building: Pray, pray, pray, pray and pray; plant fruit trees; ban this, ban that, just ban lah; listen to the radio; grow vegetables; ride bicycles; rear chickens; climb coconut trees; produce more rural natives (now that could be fun); go fishing when not fishing for your living; read Utusan or is it Berita Harian, the 1 or two newspapers; watch TV1. Yes, you can install Astro, or watch the other decadent channels but for your own good, these will be blocked (for your own good you understand) soon.
Aaah, and don't forget to vote me, the one, into power every 5 years. The previous one had your support for 22 years. Now it's my turn you hear? I mean, please lah at least 10 years. I gave you one Malaysia you know. So easy, you forget.
AND, for the rest of you, you know where you belong. Every one has a place and there's one place for every one. So, git your fat pendatang arse to where you belong.
Or else. Or else what you ask me? Me, the one?
Well, the majority of the rural natives are under the control of the one urban native (and you know some one like me is more equal than the other ones). So...if you don't get back, but more importantly, know your place. . .guess who controls the fire brigade, not forgetting the police, army, navy and air force?
Yeah baby. We, me, the one, the original, 100% genuine Tuan Tanah natives will beat you into a !@#$%^& pulp, soak this crooked butter knife in tomato sauce which really means: can't you see I'm just persuading you to be "reasonable" to stop disturbing the peace?
Ah, you think there's a tiniest bit of light at the end of the tunnel? There's another one on the rise? Oi dey, semua OK, they don't know how to be one yet. And *hysterical laugh* they have no common ground. One wants to be secular, the other, thank God, wants to be religion-led, whatever that is.
So children, remember your place. You take care of your place and I will take care of my one Malaysia.
Thank you kindly for listening.