bakarmerah: burn, burn, burn. . .burning off all the stuff inside my head. . .
Friday 17 January 2020
Thursday 9 January 2020
After being diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder [BPD], what steps towards having more successful relationships did you take that actually worked?
Let me start my answer with a bit of introduction to my BDP.
I remember having the BPD tendency (strong LOVE or HATE) since I was very young. However, it didn’t reach its peak until I hit puberty. I self harm for the first time around my early adolescent era.
My therapist suggested that my BPD also has some characteristic of PTDS; most probably caused by a very turbulent family dynamics which also involved narcissistic abuse (as per June 2019: I am currently under an EMDR therapy once every 2–3 weeks).
Secondly, let me tell you briefly about the relationship. We have been together for 5 years, married for 2,5. The last BPD visit being some days ago (when I got a bad news text from my parents —they are emotionally dependent, and contact me only when they need/ want something).
I exploded. Like: EXPLODED. I got so upset like a little child. My partner calms me down tirelessly —however, quite unsuccessfully…
After some 30 minutes long of dissociation, I —my inner child, cried asking him for a hug and telling him, “my parents don’t love me. They just want a problem solver in their life, and it is ME!! I was made and born just to be used. I wish I was aborted.” I also wanted to self harm so bad, but I didn’t.
After some 30 minutes long of dissociation, I —my inner child, cried asking him for a hug and telling him, “my parents don’t love me. They just want a problem solver in their life, and it is ME!! I was made and born just to be used. I wish I was aborted.” I also wanted to self harm so bad, but I didn’t.
THIS GUY… He never fails to calm me down. He just knows where to fix me when I feel so broken inside. He then took me out for ice cream and a long walk. He also bought me my favourite pastries for the next day’s breakfast.
After a while, I feel silly that I was so pointlessly mad.
All I could see then was his strength shining through his gentleness.
Again… I feel ultra silly.
A relationship takes two to work, no? So, let me tell you my side of the effort:
- Give precaution and OPEN UP before making it official.
Once it got more serious, I told him about my BPD antics, my self-harming, and my past therapies. I did not force him to understand nor try to convine him; I just tried my best to inform him, and I told him EVERYTHING (just the important ones, I didn’t want to overwhelm him). Let him deliberate and decide. - REMEMBER: your partner isn’t your BPD doormat.
OK, yes, I am ocassionaly crazy and in pain, but he has a life and problems too. I try not to be selfish because I love him. By constantly bringing him down, I will ruin both of us. - Don’t freak out!
I still do. Hahahahaha. OK, at least I TRY not to freak out. I distract myself by doing things that calm me down (in my case: painting, knitting, and sitting alone by the river). - Make it easy when BPD visit: warn and tell him calmly —gently.
“Look, my BPD is coming back, I will be crazy for a little while, don’t worry too much about me.”
I always warn him when BPD is back in town and want to hang out with me for a bit. - Find the balance.
Don’t hide away and cut off all communications, but don’t be too sticky and keep asking for reassurance either.
I like to hide away and be alone for a while, but I still reply to his text messages. Later on —when I feel a little better, I’ll ask him for a hug and tell him about what I feel.
My mantra is, “this too will pass, and things will be okay again.”
I am sure we all know that more than half of what we feel during a BPD episode is ultra-exaggerated.
I am not being ME — as a person under influence of drugs or alcohol, so I shouldn’t take what I think/ feel during a full-blown episode too seriously either (I know this is HARD, but try), - Keep a shared diary.
This is something I hold on to when I am losing my mind. The diary functions as a self-reminder that I did have those normal days, therefore I WILL experience it again.
This shared diary can be replaced with a kind and nice note-to-self.
Read it whenever BPD visits again, it helps to make you feel loved and real. - MOST IMPORTANTLY: Remember WHY you two are together :)
For me, the reason is —cliché, but it is, love. Therefore, I don’t want to hurt him purposely —or for too long.
Quit that ‘I have BPD’ self-justification. I practise to remind myself not to be selfish because this relationship is NOT ONLY about ME and BPD. There is HIM in it (who is actually MORE important). - Consider therapy.
I saved up and decided to go to therapy to get better because I want us both to have a better love and life quality —the rest will follow!
My therapist told me, “once you know the ‘whys’, things are easier to sort out.”
I want to be honest here, I think I occasionally do manipulate out of fear of losing him —he pointed this out to me. The solution is to build self-confidence, and esteem. Be decided and teach yourself not to manipulate your loved one because that is the main reason why you will lose these people!
I think compatibility is the main factor in a successful relationship, and it’s absolutely a jackpot to find one —I am very lucky, I know. But it also takes HARD WORK to make it happen and last :)
Good luck finding your compatible partner and getting stronger!!
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What can change your life?
Sep 15, 2019
- Start spending the time with the RIGHT people – Surround yourself by people who inspire, challenge, value, love, and appreciate you! Also, be with the ones who make you work harder and raise your game.
- Start facing your problems – The first step is just acknowledging something is not right and needs an adjustment or solution. No sense in sweeping anything under rug! We all know that is just a temporary fix, so get in there and mix it up with whatever is not in alignment and do something to make it better.
- Start being honest with yourself –The only one who knows how you really feel, what you really think, your needs, what is working and what is not is YOU
- Put your own needs on the FRONT burner – This is a toughy, especially being a strong believer in doing service. But what it comes down to is honoring your own self-care and priorities so you CAN be available to others.
- Be yourself – Any other options? I didn’t think so.
- Live in the moment – We all have stories about our past but they are just that, stories. The most powerful thing you have on any given day is the moment you are in, so plant and be where your feet are.
- Feel free to fail – That’s right! Know that mistakes are going to happen, you have a right to be imperfect and one of the best ways to succeed is to fail miserably, correct, then kick ass.
- Practice self-forgiveness – You did this but “should’ve” done that. Years spent in a certain relationship, career, addiction, negativity, shitty health, fear – the bottom line is, it is all okay. You cannot really move on until you forgive yourself for being human.
- Buy groceries not happiness – There are certain things money can buy. Like organic grapefruits. Other things, not so much. Like happiness! Happiness is one of those states of mind which don’t have a price tag. Certain things create the sensation of joy, passion, love, pleasure, but HAPPINESS, that is a certain place inside you, accessible by choice.
- Look to yourself for happiness – It is not going to come from someone else. Not the soulmate, career changer, guru or family member who finally stops nagging you on the holidays. All these people can be appreciated but are not IT.
- Get moving! Don’t think I have to tell you this one :)
- Believe you are ready now. This is a great one to practice every day. I’m not saying you are ready to go in and perform open-heart surgery without med school but probably there are things you are STILL putting off bc you don’t think you’re ready when in reality, you ARE.
- Get involved in healthy relationships for the right reason. If you are looking for someone to save, fix, complete, or solve any emptiness in your heart that is NOT the right reason to be with someone! If you are looking for someone with whom to share your happiness, love, abundance, pleasure, joy and various highs/lows of life’s journey while maintaining your own sense of self, that is the RIGHT reason to be with someone! : drops the mic:
- Be open to new relationships even if old ones didn’t work. Any previous relationships are just driftwood, lily pads, stepping stones, a little piece of patchwork on the soccer ball of life. Be thankful for every moment.
- Compete with yourself. You will save a lot of energy if you only seek to be YOUR BEST SELF every moment of every day.
- Be inspired instead of green-eyed. If someone else is manifesting their greatness, let that be a source of inspiration and motivation. If jealousy grabs you by you know what, notice it and then make a shift. Life is too short to be bitter.
- Get off the pity pot. Self-pity and complaints, as far as I am concerned, are the like kryptonite on steroids. They suck energy and then, worse, attract the kind of people who like to join the pity party, so all that’s being created is an energy ball of negativity. Walk away from that behaviour and anybody who brings it out in you.
- Let go of grudges. Sometimes it’s fun to make a list of all the people you are still pissed at and why, then see that most, if not all, of it, is ridiculous.
- Rise to the level you deserve. Not everybody shares the same standards and this can be difficult to accept. When you begin to dictate to yourself what you need and what you are worth, you will attract the people who appreciate your value.
- Follow your heart. No need to explain yourself and your choices to other people. Just be you.
- Give yourself a break! But, we all know that we are human beings, not human doings, so attempts to go-go-go without a break will lead to a loss of perspective. Breathe.
- See the beauty of the small moments.
- Accept your imperfections. The world is full of flaws and so are you, truly. It makes you exquisite.
- Be extraordinary. There are no shortcuts on the path to extraordinary.
- Be real. If it’s not fine, don’t say it is. If it’s not okay, don’t say it is. If you don’t feel good, don’t fake it! Be real, be real, be real.
- Take responsibility.“The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for our life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.”
- Keep your focus on the important people who matter. This is about letting go of being all over the place or “trying to be all things to all people.” Just keep the focus on your commitments and people in your circles of choice.
- Chill out. Worry is like praying for what you don’t want. Worry is a rocking chair that goes back and forth and back and forth and gets you nowhere. Worry is a wart on the face of hope. ENTER YOUR FAVOURITE SLOGAN HERE.
- Focus on what you WANT to happen. You have energy and you have a brain. You can spend your energy projecting negative outcomes OR you can put your focus on what you WANT to happen. You can visualize it to the extent that it feels real, the details, the people, all of it. It is just a choice of where you want to put your attention.
- BE GRATEFUL. There are so many reasons to be grateful and when you call up your gratitude, your heart opens, you soften, you become more of who you really are AND into your lap will fall even more things to appreciate.
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