Let me start my answer with a bit of introduction to my BDP.
I remember having the BPD tendency (strong LOVE or HATE) since I was very young. However, it didn’t reach its peak until I hit puberty. I self harm for the first time around my early adolescent era.
My therapist suggested that my BPD also has some characteristic of PTDS; most probably caused by a very turbulent family dynamics which also involved narcissistic abuse (as per June 2019: I am currently under an EMDR therapy once every 2–3 weeks).
Secondly, let me tell you briefly about the relationship. We have been together for 5 years, married for 2,5. The last BPD visit being some days ago (when I got a bad news text from my parents —they are emotionally dependent, and contact me only when they need/ want something).
I exploded. Like: EXPLODED. I got so upset like a little child. My partner calms me down tirelessly —however, quite unsuccessfully…
After some 30 minutes long of dissociation, I —my inner child, cried asking him for a hug and telling him, “my parents don’t love me. They just want a problem solver in their life, and it is ME!! I was made and born just to be used. I wish I was aborted.” I also wanted to self harm so bad, but I didn’t.
After some 30 minutes long of dissociation, I —my inner child, cried asking him for a hug and telling him, “my parents don’t love me. They just want a problem solver in their life, and it is ME!! I was made and born just to be used. I wish I was aborted.” I also wanted to self harm so bad, but I didn’t.
THIS GUY… He never fails to calm me down. He just knows where to fix me when I feel so broken inside. He then took me out for ice cream and a long walk. He also bought me my favourite pastries for the next day’s breakfast.
After a while, I feel silly that I was so pointlessly mad.
All I could see then was his strength shining through his gentleness.
Again… I feel ultra silly.
A relationship takes two to work, no? So, let me tell you my side of the effort:
- Give precaution and OPEN UP before making it official.
Once it got more serious, I told him about my BPD antics, my self-harming, and my past therapies. I did not force him to understand nor try to convine him; I just tried my best to inform him, and I told him EVERYTHING (just the important ones, I didn’t want to overwhelm him). Let him deliberate and decide. - REMEMBER: your partner isn’t your BPD doormat.
OK, yes, I am ocassionaly crazy and in pain, but he has a life and problems too. I try not to be selfish because I love him. By constantly bringing him down, I will ruin both of us. - Don’t freak out!
I still do. Hahahahaha. OK, at least I TRY not to freak out. I distract myself by doing things that calm me down (in my case: painting, knitting, and sitting alone by the river). - Make it easy when BPD visit: warn and tell him calmly —gently.
“Look, my BPD is coming back, I will be crazy for a little while, don’t worry too much about me.”
I always warn him when BPD is back in town and want to hang out with me for a bit. - Find the balance.
Don’t hide away and cut off all communications, but don’t be too sticky and keep asking for reassurance either.
I like to hide away and be alone for a while, but I still reply to his text messages. Later on —when I feel a little better, I’ll ask him for a hug and tell him about what I feel.
My mantra is, “this too will pass, and things will be okay again.”
I am sure we all know that more than half of what we feel during a BPD episode is ultra-exaggerated.
I am not being ME — as a person under influence of drugs or alcohol, so I shouldn’t take what I think/ feel during a full-blown episode too seriously either (I know this is HARD, but try), - Keep a shared diary.
This is something I hold on to when I am losing my mind. The diary functions as a self-reminder that I did have those normal days, therefore I WILL experience it again.
This shared diary can be replaced with a kind and nice note-to-self.
Read it whenever BPD visits again, it helps to make you feel loved and real. - MOST IMPORTANTLY: Remember WHY you two are together :)
For me, the reason is —cliché, but it is, love. Therefore, I don’t want to hurt him purposely —or for too long.
Quit that ‘I have BPD’ self-justification. I practise to remind myself not to be selfish because this relationship is NOT ONLY about ME and BPD. There is HIM in it (who is actually MORE important). - Consider therapy.
I saved up and decided to go to therapy to get better because I want us both to have a better love and life quality —the rest will follow!
My therapist told me, “once you know the ‘whys’, things are easier to sort out.”
I want to be honest here, I think I occasionally do manipulate out of fear of losing him —he pointed this out to me. The solution is to build self-confidence, and esteem. Be decided and teach yourself not to manipulate your loved one because that is the main reason why you will lose these people!
I think compatibility is the main factor in a successful relationship, and it’s absolutely a jackpot to find one —I am very lucky, I know. But it also takes HARD WORK to make it happen and last :)
Good luck finding your compatible partner and getting stronger!!
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