A Funny Letter to a Funny Mother

Dearest Mummy,

You are so funny.

Did you know that I did not ask to be born? But since you and Dad created me . . uh . . you’ll have to be responsible for my well-being and upbringing, which means you two have to start paying till you bleed – until I’m an adult or until I can take care of myself, as in securing a paid job.

You do understand that don’t you?

So now you are telling me I have to pay you back your hard-earned money? You have no house, no car, no money because you gave them all to me? AND I OWE YOU RM70,000 PLUS/MINUS?

Okay, let's do a rough count back to see why this is so. Let’s do it, once and for all, who owes who what before you accuse me of blackmailing you OR you blackmailing you.

You ready for the funny count down?

Here goes:

ISSUE: In or around 1970 when sis and me were going to take our Lower Certificate of Education examinations, Dad, being the compulsive gambler that he is suddenly decided NOT to support his children. ALL his money went into buying the national lottery and what-have-you. So, let’s say we need $3,000 a year to keep me clothed, fed, buy books, pay school & exam fees, you two owe me $3,000 x 4 years (form 3 till upper 6) = What about the TRAUMA I went through when Dad started kicking our wooden bedroom wall so that sis n me could not sleep (AND DURING EXAM TIME TOO) cos you wouldn’t loan him more money to gamble? MAYBE THAT’S WHY I CAN’T SLEEP ONCE EVERY MONTH. MAYBE THAT’S HOW I CONTRACTED MY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER DISEASE. Medication costs, doctor fees (since 1988) and for the future ?? years = I started supporting you medically from year 2009? Let’s say $2,500 a year. And you will possibly live longer than me. So, let’s say I take care of you for another 10 years. AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOUR OWN SAVINGS? ARE YOUR CHILDREN SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU? Anyway, you will owe me = AND then we have Dad’s stroke. Now how much was that? Although sis did share 50%. Shall we say = Then he died. And, out of sentimentality, you went and ordered a 4-piece band just to play for him? Without even asking me? And funeral expenses, that’s another = Yes, even minus the ‘pak kum’ money. NOW, about your back pain. The medication and scanning and what-not for another 10 years? 50% = Don’t forget, for a while we were financing that Ipoh house which only one person is staying now (ya selfish you!). I think for several years. That’s = We might as well count the totally un-necessary trips to Ipoh because one stubborn mother refuses to move in with his son. Petrol + toll x 1 trip per year for 20 years = HOW about future household appliances, repair, painting and so on? I think we should stop just about here since it is already more than the 70k I’m supposed to owe you. SO HOW?

RM 12,000.00 80,000.00 25,000.00 10,000.00 6,000.00 15,000.00 20,000.00 5,000.00 5,000.00

So STOP telling me I owe you and your EPF is empty because of me. You could just STOP, SAY NO OR WHATEVER. You were an adult then, you can MAKE HARD DECISIONS. WHY YOU SO CHILDISH NOW? SECOND CHILDHOOD IS IT?

HALLO, GROW UP already DEAREST MUM. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

UH…IT’S like NOT FUNNY any more.